Taking a leap after loss

We're heading into the last few weeks of the year.

When many of us look back—and look forward.

What were the highs?
What were the lows?
What do you want to be different?

Anaïs Nin once said, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.” 

But how do we find the courage to

• rebuild

• reimagine

• take bold steps forward

How do we start our next chapter when things have been tough?

To explore this, we were joined by Sue Deagle, twice (the upside of having tech issues the first time).

A veteran c-suite executive, mother, and widow, each week she rewrites the story of loss and vibrant living at The Luminist.

She founded it after the profound personal transformation she went through following the sudden loss of her husband, Mike.

She would give anything to have her late husband back.

But despite this, her life is vibrant, meaningful, and even miraculous thanks to the hard-won lessons of grief.

She brings loss (in all its forms) out of the shadows, shining a light on the parts of the human experience we try to avoid at all costs.

In their first conversation, held on a meaningful double anniversary, Sue spoke to Carlos and Laurence with humour and warmth about how she navigated life after her sudden bereavement.

In the second conversation, Sue, Carlos, and Laurence explored loss more widely and the courage to take the “right next step” and start a new chapter.

Sue herself is in transition, having become an 'empty nester', and earlier this year she left her corporate career to focus on The Luminist and to write her first book for The Do Lectures.

Watch the wise, funny, and inspiring conversation below:

Here are nine takeaways from the conversations:

1. Loss can be a powerful gateway to aliveness 

It seems totally counterintuitive. But deep loss can actually wake us up to life. 

When Sue lost her husband, she discovered that working through grief, while incredibly hard, made her more aware of life's richness and beauty. 

Instead of shutting down her emotions, she found that feeling them fully cracked her open into a new way of experiencing the world.

“If you don't have the emotions, it's going to be pretty tough to have aliveness. 

“In the year after Mike died, I would be out walking in the forest near my house and I'd be ‘Oh, everything looks like technicolor, like it has an electric outline.’

Everything just looked so alive.” 

2. The courage to reimagine yourself

Many of us have a picture of our future in our heads. But life can have different ideas. 

When Sue’s life changed, it forced her to pivot to a different future. 

She coped by remembering that the one she had pictured with Mike was only ever imagined and by embracing the new person she was becoming.

“I had to imagine into a different me. Because if I would have stayed in those constraints, I would have done a disservice to my family.”

It's scary to reimagine yourself, but sometimes it's exactly what you and the people around you need.

3. There is no hierarchy of loss

Do you believe some losses are "bigger" than others? You’re not alone. And we feel embarrassed or ashamed when our loss doesn’t seem to justify our grief.

But Sue points out why ranking ourselves against others doesn't help anyone. In fact, it just stops us from sharing our pain and getting support. 

“Comparing losses is kind of bullshit. Because if we compare a loss and say the loss of your pet is small, then you don't share that loss with us and we aren't able to console you.”

There's “no hierarchy to suffering”. Every loss matters and a doorway to deepening our relationships with each another.

4. The myth of special resilience

It’s normal to see someone go through a tough time and think that we’d never be able to cope if we were in their shoes. 

But Sue learnt something powerful: we're all way stronger than we think. 

“A lot of people used to say to me, ‘I could never do what you did; I could never survive that,’ but they are mistaken.”

Resilience isn't some special superpower that only some people have. It's an ordinary magic built into all of us, even if we’re not aware of it.

5. Imperfect coping

Sue spoke about “coping dirty” - using the distractions that get you through those darkest moments, even if some are healthier than others.

“When you're in the ditch, it doesn't really matter. You kind of should just do whatever works for you. 

People are like, ‘Oh, no, I shouldn't have a second drink; I shouldn't be watching movies all night.’ Actually, no, it's okay. It's not that big of a deal.”

This honest take on grief reminds us that healing isn't always pretty, and that's totally okay.

6. The power of asking for help

We would never think it of anyone else. 

But we fear looking weak when we’re the ones asking for help. 

Sue was the same way until the sudden loss of Mike forced her to rethink everything.

Her new life meant she couldn’t do everything for her kids, so building a community around her family wasn't just helpful—it was essential. 

As the saying goes, it takes a village. And if you don't have one, you need to build one.

“I had a lot of trouble asking for help prior to Mike's death. And now I know help is for everybody.”

7. Freedom through vulnerability 

Many of us hide our personal struggles when we’re at work.

But sharing them helps others relate to us more easily and can even make you stronger professionally. As Sue relates,

“I was the highest ranking woman in the company, and we would be going over some P&L thing. The CEO would say, ‘Does everybody understand this?’

And I'd be like, ‘Nope, don't get it.’ I knew other people in the room didn't get it, either. 

But I was like, ‘Who cares?’ My husband died. So I can't imagine getting embarrassed in this corporate meeting. I was freed from thinking about what people thought.”

No longer caring what people think frees us to be honest, real, and to develop genuine clarity.

8. Hope versus imagination

There's a big difference between hoping things will get better and using your imagination to make them better. 

Sue found that while hope can sometimes leave you stuck waiting, using your mind’s eye helps you take active steps forward and creates possibilities.

“Hope can kind of be a trap sometimes, when you think, ‘I hope this will all get better.’ 

Imagination is like, ‘What's the next step to get us going in a right direction?’ 

Imagination felt more executable than hope.”

When hope is too tough, try imagining the direction you want instead.

9. Just take the next “right” step

Have you ever tried to think your way out of a problem? 

(Spoiler alert: it doesn’t work.)

Sue found that focusing on just the “next right step” made a powerful difference. 

But “right” doesn’t mean “correct”. The phrase is from Carl Jung, and was meant to encourage action.

“You don't know what's ahead of you. So, the next step you take - just taking a step - is the ‘right next step’.

And I was, ‘Okay, what's the next right step? The next right step for me is to find a new job.’”

Instead of trying to figure out everything all at once, sometimes you just need to focus on what's in front of you. And take that next right step.

What next step do you need to take to discover more aliveness in your life?

Thank you to Sue for her incredible and inspiring warmth, good humour, and wisdom.

You can discover more about Sue at The Luminist, where you can sign up for her weekly Substack newsletter.

Do you want to take your next right step towards what’s new?

You don’t need to do it alone.

Find others who are taking bold and brave moves by joining our Vision 20/20 small group coaching program, our Alptitude leader’s retreat, or our business retreat for hippies at Summercamp.